Then I realized that it would be silly to start all over again on a blog, when in reality I dont get a new body every time I restart something.
I wasnt even going to post about this but I have to write my thesis (3 months to graduation!!) and I couldnt get this thing out of my head and I REALLY need to write so I will write about this first and then write some of my thesis. 5 pages is my goal today!
In the past year or so since I have posted here (not sure its been that long, but probably(okay I checked and it was in july of last year- which is like a year...)) lifestyle wise I just keep on keeping on. I started weight watchers and I have been doing work outs that I know I can stick with. I started really making sure that I was going to Zumba during the week. I try to go 2-3 times a week and any other days that I couldnt go I would run or do another of the classes that the university gym offered.
In October or November I started taking Plexus. Yes. I did that! I didnt do it for weight loss reasons because I had already been losing weight with Weight Watchers and going to the gym for Zumba/running/classes. So I wasnt so worried about the weight loss part. I was having a lot of stomach issues because of stress and my work load. I also needed way more energy than I had. I have a video that I'll link in here so you can watch that if you want to know more!
After I started taking it, around december or so I decided that I wanted to start Crossfit. Several of my friends had been doing it for a few years and I was worried that I would hurt myself. In the toning classes at the school there is 1 teacher and 30 or so students. Its hard for him to concentrate on people and their form. So I didnt want to get sidelined because of an injury and I felt like I was doing stuff wrong.
So after Christmas break I came back and started Crossfit in Ruston. They do a 4 week foundations class and thats how I started. I have been doing it for one month out of foundations and I love it. When my muscles feel tingly and snappy I know I have had a great workout. They push me, but not the the point where I feel stupid.
Only once or twice have I felt awful for being big and doing CF. Thats what I wanted to post about. The first time was last weekend. I went to the Saturday class and it was a HUGE class. Normally there are only 15 people or so, but it was packed for the 10 am class. The trainer told everyone to partner up with a friend and I had had a crazy workout the day before and wasnt feeling it on top of being emotional from MMV (mrs. monthly visitor) and I realized that I didnt know anyone in that class. No one to pair up with. I just felt so overwhelmed so I left and cried in the car. I cried all the way home and then put on my big girl panties the next day and went to the gym and worked out with a friend.
The other time was actually last night. Nothing happened to me or anything. So it was the end of the 7 pm workout, which was the only one I could get to. They have been streaming the Open (which is some sort of competition that I'm not quite sure about) and so there was a projector and they stream through Youtube. Someone had pulled up a compliation of vines/short videos where bad things were happening to people like they slip and fall or do the ALS icebucket challenge and dump water on themselves and not their target.
Well one of the clips was of an overweight cop running after a guy who was trying to get away. Eventually the cop trips and falls. During this time me and a few other people are watching, including the trainer for that night. This guy isnt nice or bad or anything, just another guy who trains. Sometimes he is really good, other times he just shows up and tells us the workouts. Every trainer is different. Some are really involved, others just make sure you are doing it correctly and then do their own thing. He is the "does his own thing" type of guy. Well he is laughing at the cop and yells "Come on Porker" at the overweight cop and then he falls and everyone starts laughing. I didnt laugh.
In that instant I lost total respect for him as a person and as a trainer. It made me feel like shit. What must this guy thing while I'm slogging through workouts trying to do my best? Does he think "come on porker" at me? In his head does he tear me down because I cant do what everyone else can? I have no idea.
What I do know is that, in that moment, I felt awful for that cop in the video. He'll never know what was said about him. It doesnt matter in the end either way. It made me feel awful that I had heard it and it made me wonder what people think about me when I'm trying to do what I need to do to be healthy and lose weight.
I justify it in my head and say that no one here every knew me when I was 285 pounds (I'm now a very proud and toned 244). That every inch and pound that comes off my body is won through the most excruciating of moments which include working out 5 days a week sometimes up to 2 hours, eating healthy, planning meals, taking supplements that keep my body healthy and working at top function. Spending money, time and thought on all the things that go into making me healthy. Its hard as hell. Every success is met by some kind of failure. And its a constant battle, none of this comes easy for me. Losing weight and being healthy is something that I think about constantly. Its always in the back of my head. I am always judging myself.
So why is it right that he judge that cop? Maybe that guy is like me and has already lost weight. I dont know, but what I do know is that from now on I am going to watch what comes out of my mouth, no matter what my company. You never know how one little comment about someone else may effect a person you are with.
Its silly, but true.
