Since I last typed at you, my life has changed drastically. HUGELY! While I was in Florida back in July I was told about an assistantship for graduate school at Louisiana Tech. I applied for it, but I didnt get it. However, they told me that they liked my work, and that they wanted me in the program. So they finagled it, and now I do have an assistantship and I'm gainfully employed by Louisiana Tech as a Graduate Assistant, where I now go to graduate school for photography.
It all happened so fast, my life has been turned upside down for the past three months. I got the assistantship, came and visited the campus, found a house and moved all within a month or less. It was crazy, and not really how I like things to happen. Me and the puppy moved, and Corey stayed on the road, and when he comes home from Huston in November, will still be working in Arkansas. It sucks, and it sucks again.
But finally, my life has been able to slow down a little, enough for me to have time to work out. I should have been working out and eating right the whole time, but it was so hard, and it still is. And I have gained the weight back, not all of the thirty pounds I lost. I have gained back about 19ish pounds. Which again sucks. Honestly, right now, not much of my life doesnt suck. I try to keep a positive spin on everything, but its so hard going from having friends and family around, to having no one. I think a lot of my problem is depression, not a lot, but maybe a little.
I have had some health problems, nothing horrible mostly just when I started school. I caught a cold, and was out for a weekend, thankfully I only missed one class. After that, something screwed with my nerve in my back and it became pinched again, this is one problem I wish that I had never gotten, because once you get back pain, it never goes away. This time it was so bad, that I had a panic attack and called my mom because I literally could not move. I thought I could just tough it out, and eventually had to go to the chiropractor. That was about three weeks ago. I still have a little pain, but nothing like it was before. THEN I got a stomach bug and it was pretty awful. I just feel like I cant catch a break. And on top of all of this, I'm in grad school, which means that they have a ton of work that they want me to do.
I went to the doctor for my yearly inhaler refill, and I have been having problems since I moved with hair loss. I know thats crazy, but its true. Its not stress, because its not coming out in big clumps, just when I brush it, its going away, and when I wash it, it goes down the drain. I told her (my doctor) about this and she asked if I had gained a lot of weight, or lost weight, and I have, and I dont eat horribly but who gains 19 pounds back in 3 months? She asked me if I had heart palpitations and I never would have said anything about it, but I have had them randomly for about 6ish years, but more frequently lately. So yeah, she thinks its my thyroid. And if its not I just cant keep weight off, and I have a weird heart! Oh and I'm losing my hair.
I swear I didnt write this to complain about how much my life sucks right now, I promise that I just set out to tell whats been going on. So yeah. Now I'm finally in a place where I'm busy, but not sick, and I can move without pain, and I'm not having to run to the bathroom ever 10 minutes. Now I can workout, which is good because I feel like crap and I want to be able to move around and feel good about myself again.
I have been working in grad school on issues of body image, and I had decided to take a pictures of myself, because body image is something that I suffer from. I think that it's really hard not to be over weight and not have body image issues. We had our first critique a few weeks ago and it went okay, not great but okay. They liked that I had a lot of work to show, but the body image thing turned more into an exploration of myself and discovering who I am, and less about body image. Why? Because I just cant force myself to take a picture of my body that I can show people and not feel disgusted with. Talk about issues! I definitely cant do it nude, I dont want to see myself nude, why on earth would I want my professors and my friends to see me without clothes? Ugh! So now I feel lost on what to do. Do I keep going even though this is getting hard? Do I push myself through this and just take the pictures that I dont like? I tell myself that this is when I get the good stuff, when I push myself out of my comfort zone. But it is pushing me so far that its out of my emotional comfort zone as well as my photographic one as well.
All I can do is take pictures of my face! I think I have a great face, but its not helping me with the body issue topic. So yeah thats how things are, and I've been so uncomfortable that I have put off shooting anything, even though I should be in my studio (which needs to be painted and cleaned) 20 hours a week, and that just hasnt happened. So this week I'm going to do it, mainly because I HAVE to. My next critique is next Monday. So this week, I will be taking a TON of pictures. And this weekend I'm going to attack my studio.
"I can do this" thats my mantra right now as well as "put on your big girl panties" I say that all the time when I feel like I cant do this, which is a lot of the time.
I'm going to leave you with a couple of my pictures from my last critique.
They werent big hits, except the first, but the second is my favorite. I'm off to bed, with the promise that I WILL workout tomorrow. And because now I have to pay for all my own food, I'm poor, so that makes a big difference in what and where I eat! So the plan is to eat tomato soup all week... yum! Last week it was pasta casserole. Maybe tomorrow I will post the recipes. I also now have REALLY good potato soup recipe that isnt horribly bad for you.
