What would you do?

So today I woke up and my back was killing me, which isnt a good thing at all. I dont have time (or money) for my back to flair up again! So my one solution to this? Workout. I havent been lately because I have been so dang busy. But I'm going to have to now. If you dont know when I dont work out enough, my back starts hurting because of a pinched nerve I have (or at least thats what they tell me, no one ever says the cure for this thing, just how to treat it when it happens).

I was getting ready to workout (Turbo Fire 30) and I realized that at some point you just get to a point where you dont want to be the way you are. Its so frustrating to feel so powerless against your own body. I sabotage myself! For all my good intentions, I sabotage myself. If I dont eat on time, being hungry makes me cheat. I'm not saying its right, but there ya go. Thats just how I am. I eat when I'm bored. I wish I could just stop caring about food. I wish I didnt have to eat!

Today I'm working on video taping myself cooking, which when you're by yourself is an interesting feat. I have realized that I'm going to have to make at least two batches for this movie to work. So my bread is baking right now, and I'll just have to do it again as soon as it gets done.

Tonight/afternoon I'm going to a grad party with my fellow art grads. It should be fun. But my question in the title is what would you do if you didnt want your efforts for the day to go down the drain when faced with all the food that will be there? Eat before I go? Bring something healthy so that I have something to eat? I just dont know. Will it be hard? Hell yes, talk about frustrating. And there will be drinking. Do I want to drink? I mean usually I drink beer, but more than one beer is a lot of calories! I did workout, but I want to lose weight, not gain it! The stuff I'm bringing isn't even healthy food!

So what would you do?

Okay I'm going to go off on a tangent here real fast because of something that I just accidentally typed (but erased). So I almost just said "diet food" but then in an instant I got to thinking about how I'm not on a diet. I know they tout the lifestyle change vs. diet because of the connotation of the word diet. I actually happen to agree. I'm not on a diet, every day of my life I'm trying to make healthier choices so that I can be healthy. Whether or not it happens? Well, thats just part of the struggle!

Bad Bad Bad

So I have been a very naughty blogger. I ended up losing 6 pounds which I think most of it was water weight. THEN my husband came down to Louisiana this past weekend and we went Christmas shopping and decorated our tree. I had a gift certificate to Olive Garden, so we ate there. While I didnt pick something very healthy, I mean come on how healthy can you get at Olive Garden?, I wasnt able to finish it all.

I did have a weird stomach bug before Corey came up though. It was like when food touched my stomach I was in agony, not to mention having to run to the bathroom because my stomach was going to explode and all I was able to eat was saltine crackers ginger ale. Well, that doesnt exactly help with eating healthy. The problem was that I was hungry and if I didnt eat, the pain got worse.

Then after we realized that we couldnt find the Christmas ornaments at the new house, I thought they might have gotten left in Benton, so I went there on Saturday, and continued to eat badly. Didnt find the ornaments though.

Yeah thats it! It looks amazing huh? and I even took that picture!

I came home on Sunday and had to make a cake for a photography project yesterday, this time I did have a piece, and it is delicious. I'm taking it up to the school today so I'm not tempted to eat more of it.

I did step on the scale today and I gained every pound back! I should have just left it alone, but it is a wake up call not to do that again. No more being awful like I was this weekend. I did workout on Saturday before I left, but I havent since then, so as soon as my breakfast settles I'm going to hop to it. I really like the Turbo Fire, but I'm having a hard time committing to 6 days a week. Its just a ton of working out. I dont want to quit it, but I kinda wonder if I could get away with 3-4 days a week.

When I went to Benton, I got to visit with my brother and he said that maybe part of my problem is with gluten, especially with the new stomach bug I had. At one point before I knew I was really sick I had a whole wheat english muffin and my stomach went crazy, just exploded in pain. Apparently one of his friends is like me, she has to work super hard to lose weight (why it just falls off some people I will never know) and said when she eliminated gluten she began to REALLY lose weight.

I have toyed with the idea of not eating gluten, but I really LOVE it. Who doesnt love wheat and crackers and bread? And unlike in Benton, where I'm 20 minutes away from a Whole Foods, in Ruston, there is no such thing. Who ever thought that they would say Arkansas is better because it has better shopping places? So I just dont know if I can give it up. I mean I dont have celiac disease so I dont NEED to stop eating gluten and I dont even know that I have an intolerance for it. I think I would probably know.

I do have to admit that I think that I might have to give up on the Shakeology. It just doesnt sit right with my stomach. I know they say its really good for you, but I dont know. Right when I got sick, it was another food that I ate that really hurt my stomach and I kinda wonder if it was part of the problem. The last time I was eating it, I felt sorta like this.

Last but not least Corey finally talked me into getting back to playing World of Warcraft. He is obsessed with this game and while I dont really like it very much, he has been on me every time we see each other to play. So he finally wore me down enough for me to say yes. We bought the game, a game card for a 2 month subscription and a new mouse all so I could play. I am only allowing myself to play when I have done all my work at the end of the day. I mean usually I would watch some netflix, so I guess this isnt any different. Its fun right now, but we'll see if it stays that way. Usually I get bored with it and stop playing.

Temptations

Today I REALLY REALLY didnt want to exercise today. But I did it anyway. 

I dont know whats wrong with me. Yesterday I wrote about what happens when I miss a meal, but I'm just constantly hungry. Its so frustrating to eat healthy and then get a stomach ache because I guess I'm still hungry. It just sours my stomach. I just had my treat for the day (a beer and some popcorn) and I dont feel as hungy, which is good, but I know its going to come back. The frustrating thing is that as soon as I got up I was starving. I thought that it might be dehydration, but I have been drinking water all day, so much so that I've been peeing way too much today, but if it was then I would feel full. Not really sure what to do about it except for stick this out.

I am not sure if I wrote about it, but when I went to SPE (The Society for Photographic Education) conference I wasnt able to eat very often and I know I didnt drink enough water and this feeling got really bad, and every time I get hungry this feeling comes back, not like it was then, but bad.

Yummy Shakeology!

Maybe I just need to change what I'm eating. More protein? I try to eat two meals with meat. Huh... something to think about. I ran out of turkey burgers today, next time I'm doing more than 3 oz for each burger though.

Today I ordered some cheapie strobe lights for my photography. I cant wait for them to get here! All I need now is my light meter that I'm getting for Christmas! I think I'm just going to check one out from the school until I get mine.

That piece of pie is my temptation

So my post today is about that piece of pie. I made the rest of the pie and took pictures this morning, but I wanted to take a slice out of it for the picture. So I set it aside for another picture I'm going to take. But it is haunting me. But I can do this. I'm not going to eat it. 

I am hoping to get to bed early tonight because I'm trying to get up earlier so I can get things done. Last quarter I had two days off a week with no class and I always did my work then, but now, I dont have those days, so I have to fit it into the day somehow. I dont like to do it when I get home because its my free time. I get to watch tv and have my dinner and then my treat for the day.

I know I havent even been back on this for a whole week yet, I'm just tired. This is such an uphill war. I really doing feel like I should have to have a battle every day of my life. 

Here is the food journal for today, I guess it would be easier to type this out, but its really easier to take a picture. I did put my food in a calorie counter today and I only went 200 over. 

Pie

This morning I got up and walked the dog, and I was starving but I hate to eat before exercising. But I couldnt not eat something because my stomach was so dang hungry. So I decided to have half my breakfast and wait 20 minutes and workout, well 20 minutes was more like 30, because I was doing housework. Anyway, I had my oatmeal, coconut oil and strawberries and only half of it. I did the 55 minute workout, during which I thought I was going to die. I really really wanted to quit about 30 minutes in. I just decided to tough it out, I mean I had already gone 30 whats 20 more?

After that, I was so hot and sweaty that I didnt want to eat at all, plus I wanted to fit my shakeology into the day, but it was so close to lunch that I just thought I would go ahead and wait till lunch. Shakeology is just too much food for me before I exercise, so I cant drink it for a pre breakfast.

I had gotten up around 9, because I stayed up too late, and I go to class at 1:30. So I didnt have all the time I wanted in there to workout and eat. I did eat lunch, but I was so dang hungry that it messed up my stomach. Usually if I wait too long to eat, my stomach is messed up all day long and it feels like I can never get enough food to feel like I'm not hungry. This is one reason I hate getting back on plan, because if I miss a meal, my body messes me up for the rest of the day! 

I tried to eat as close to 1 as I could, so I wouldnt have as long between lunch and snack. My class is almost two hours and I usually leave early 1:30 for the 2:00 class so I can talk to my friends. Well I got out of class and rushed home because by then I was STARVING! I had the shakeology even though it was a couple of hours until dinner. 

One of my new photo shoots I'm working on is with food, and I looked up a lighting set up online for what I wanted to do, and it rocks, but I dont have all the flashes it takes to do it. So I wanted to get the pie ready so that I could at least get to testing taking pictures for it. So after the shakeology I started working on my Chocolate Silk Pie, I made it for Thanksgiving and it totally rocks! Its not healthy in the least!! I dont want to eat the pie, which is why its going to go to school for my friends to eat. But I do want to use it for a prop, well I had some hiccups while doing it, like not reading all the directions even though I thought I knew how to make it. Tomorrow I'll put the whipped cream and chocolate shavings on it for the real pictures. But this is a test photo. Its not that great really, but it'll give you an idea of what the pie looks like. 

All this setup just to photograph a pie!

It will look much better with the whipped cream on it

I'm not gunna lie, I did eat some of the pie filling when I was making it! I dont have it written down in the food journal I'm going to post, but I did write it down afterwards.

It's been an eventful day, too bad I didnt really get any usable pictures taken, but I'll work on that tomorrow. They want us to work in our "studios" at least 20 hours a week! This is my dinner. Lots of pictures today! My yummy turkey patty with cheese and onions. 

Tomorrow I'm on for Fire 30, so no more 55 minute workouts for this week! Whew! Check out the food journal. I remembered something I heard once about losing weight: you have to eat to lose! So a word of advice, you cant starve yourself, and you cant deprive yourself of the things you like. If you do, you are setting yourself up to fail. Whether its weight watchers, or counter calories, you need to give yourself some time to eat (in small amounts) the things that you like! 

Tonight, and I also forgot to add this to my journal, my treat was a hersheys bar!

Tasty Dinners

So today I got up and slugged through my workout. I really wanted to quit half way through it, but I just stopped watching the time and tried to make it through. I kept hoping to get my "second wind" and and it just never happened!

I didnt have a chance to take more pictures, but I do have 6 for the review tomorrow and thats what matters because it's one more than I need.

I really just had time to wake up, workout and then go to work. It was a good 5 hours, I got a lot done! I printed pictures, read and took notes on a History of Photo chapter and I chatted and looked up recipes on Pinterest. I freaking love Pinterest. I find the best recipes. I'm on a soup kick and I'm always looking for a healthy soup. One of my grad friends works on Sunday and so we just talked and chatted while we sat there! It was a good time.

I follow a couple of people on Facebook who are fitness folks. I follow Chalene Johnson, who is the creator of Turbo Fire and I follow her sister too. And her sister Jenelle Summers always talks about eating turkey burgers and reduced fat feta and using them in all kinds of things like salads and stuff. I also saw one of the bloggers I follow and SHE does a lot of cooking with whole wheat english muffins with caramelized onions and eggs for a sandwich. I was going to cook the turkey burgers anyway so I had one with the onions reduced fat feta on an english muffin, and it was GOOOOOD! So darn good!

I also found a recipe for Roasted Cauliflower and Aged White Cheddar soup. It was amazing as well. It was 5 servings and I put the calories in on My Fitness Pal and its under 300 calories for each serving. I'll post the recipe at the end of the post! I totally want to share this one. It was beyond good.

I didnt get off until 7, and unfortunately that meant that I didnt get to eat until around 9. I hate eating late, my stomach was gurggling so much while I was cooking. Finally I got to eat the turkey burger with onions.

I decided that its easier for me to cook what I want to eat in advance of my week. I dont like to cook pre planned meals that are already put together because I get so sick of the same thing all the time. I have realized now that its much easier for me to buy enough for two smaller meals during the week that way I can have either one or the other for lunch or dinner. Usually one is something that is easy to throw together. So this week I have the english muffins, and the turkey burgers which I can eat more than one way, I can have it with eggs instead or I can put the turkey in a salad. I also really like to have soup with some kind of steamed veggie. I got a bunch of carrots, but I didnt have time to steam them. I think I'm in love with steamed carrots now. But I can have that another day/night. The best part of all of this, is that I dont get sick of the same thing all the time, and I get to try new things.

I have decided that I love to cook, and I love to try new recipes. I dont think that I ever really admitted it to myself, but there it is! I mean cooking is like making art that you can eat!

I did end up eating a bowl of the soup, even though it got done way later than the turkey. And to top off my day I had six little christmas cookies, all 6 are only 160 calories. They were on sale at the store for a bag for 1.50, so I got two bags. Those will last me more than just this week. I love my little treat at the end of the day. I seem to get so excited for it. Its way better than binging on something that I know I really want. I think it helps with cravings as well.

My goal for this week is to try to start back on the shakeology. I really love my oatmeal in the morning, but I have two whole bags of shakeology that I need to go through, and I really like that the stuff is so good for me. So I got some almond milk and bananas so I can have a shake tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow... I have my first 55 minute workout... I'm almost dreading it. But I am not going to think of it like that. I CAN make it through the workout!

My yummy treats!

Here is my journal for today! I am very happy I have kept this up for 4 days. Usually I cant keep a food journal for more than a day. I just take it everywhere with me.

Here is the recipe!

This is my picture! And I promise its as good as it looks!

I didnt have a stick blender so I just used the regular blender.

Roasted Cauliflower and Aged White Cheddar Soup from Closet Cooking A creamy white cheddar cauliflower soup with a hint of thyme. Servings: 5 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 50 minutes Total Time: 60 minutes Ingredients 1 small head cauliflower, cut into florets 2 tablespoons oil salt and pepper to taste 1 tablespoon oil 1 medium onion, diced 2 cloves garlic, chopped 1 teaspoon thyme, chopped 3 cups vegetable broth 1 1/2 cups aged white cheddar, shredded 1 cup milk or cream salt and pepper to taste Directions Toss the cauliflower florets in the oil along with the salt and pepper and arrange them in a single layer on a large baking sheet. Roast the cauliflower in a preheated 400F oven until lightly golden brown, about 20-30 minutes. Heat the oil in a large sauce pan over medium heat. Add the onion and saute until tender, about 5-7 minutes. Add the garlic and thyme and saute until fragrant, about a minute. Add the broth and cauliflower, bring to a boil, reduce the heat and simmer, covered, for 20 minutes. Puree the soup until it reaches your desired consistency with a stick blender. Mix in the cheese, let it melt and season with salt and pepper. Mix in the milk and remove from heat

Rest Day

I'm glad that today was Saturday! I know I was only back at school for three days, but I'm glad to have a break. I feel like everything is already starting to pile up on me and I'm going to be in over my head before I even had a chance to start.

I should have taken more pictures today, I have ideas for my project, which is better than not having any ideas at all for what I'm needing to work on. Its like writers block, only artists block. I've been working on this project now for two months (which isnt very long if you think about it) and for a while in the middle I just felt stuck, well now I have ideas, and I even had time to do them, but I just wasted my day. I just wanted another day off before I really had to dig in.

Shame on me I guess for not feeling motivated to get my work done. It's just going to mean cramming it into another day and making more work for myself. So yeah, I did take some pictures today, which is good, and I have some from Thanksgiving that I think might work, so I'm going to take a couple more pictures tomorrow and then I will have at least 5 photos to work with, I hope. I really want more than the 5 minimum but yeah, not sure if that's going to happen this time.

In my last committee meeting before the fall break my professors told me that all my stuff was shot at the same angle, so I tried to switch it up this time. For some reason I'm really digging these two pictures, no one else probably will, but thats okay. If you didnt read before, I'm working on body image issues, and I have been doing a lot of my work with food, but as I was told, I'm not only food, even though I think about it constantly, not in an eating sense, but in a it just consumes my thoughts because I'm always trying to be good. So I was told that I need to get away form the food aspects, and so thats what these are about, trying to explore myself further.

They are both lightly edited, and they need more editing, but I just thought I would post them here! I have some more ideas, and so I'm going to work on those tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, usually I work at the school on Thursday nights for 4 hours. I told one of my friends the last time she asked me to cover her hours that I would help next time if I could. Well, I told her that I would cover her 5 hours tomorrow. I didnt have a good reason not to do it, so I said I would. Now I wish I hadn't, but I will. *sigh* I just dont want to sit around tomorrow and not work. But maybe I can do some of the work I need to get done at the school tomorrow. 

I was good today! I didnt have to workout today so it was nice to have a break, I'm so sore! When I bend over my abs kill me. Only two days of working out and I'm sore. I know that I'm going to be worse tomorrow, but at least I can work some of it off tomorrow when I do my Fire 30. I'm very out of shape, but thats okay! 

I have been rewarding myself every night with a treat to make myself get through the day and not binge eat or eat something I shouldnt. Tonight I had a Hersheys bar. It was less than 300 calories. I love sweets, so it was nice to having something other than grapes! Last night I had popcorn and a beer! 

Dont get me wrong, I'm not starving myself. I am eating and I'm full. I'm trying not to over eat, or eat more than a serving. Here is my food log for the past two days.